My mum and dad split up when i was 6 years old. Now, many people blame their fat-ness or depression on things like parent splitting up, but to be honest i didnt see it as a problem. My parents still got on with each other, they just drifted apart.
But i dont know wether or not that has meant the relationship with my father never realy developed properly. (i only saw him at weekends, and then only when he was waking me up, giving me food or taking me home) He was always there for me, and made sure i did right instead of wrong, but there seemed to be something lacking in his fatherhood that i think is starting to show through now.
I feel really uncomfortable/un-noticed sometimes when i go round to his house, i feel like he has no faith or doesnt really trust me to do the things i say im gonna do. And its like hes not even realy that bothered about the things i say – im very good at analysing people (not good at spelling tho) and i can tell that the things i talk about dont even sink in – he just nods and then gets distracted and pays his attention to someone or something else.
Now, there is nothing wrong with him taking the grandad role with his new family, as he does it really well.. I just feel that if i had a son that he’d be the most important thing in my life..
Its probably all my fault, i have been so useless with money, and as i was kicked out at 18 ive had to learn from my own mistakes for years and years. And i bet they are starting to get pissed off bailing me out. That go’s for my mum too. I darent ever ask my mum or dad for a bit of money, even just Â£10 – as they have bailed me out hundreds of times, and its always about money.
Even now, i sit here – Â£17 to my name PANICING as i have no idea how i am going to make it through this weekend, but i wont ask anyone for help cos im scared they’ll go mad.
I cant wait for the day where im older, and money just isnt the first problem that crops up in every situation i encounter. I dont want to be rich, honestly, i just want to not have to worry about money.
I guess im just being a mardy little attention seeking bitch. But its how i feel.