Category: My Past

We went from 1024mb ram, to 1536mb today. We have been thinking low memory may be the reason for the load shooting high. As the server was using Virtual Memory, and the VM process was using up the load. Or so djb had told me anyway. it seems to be doing the trick tho.

Load Average 1 = 1.12

It hasnt gone above that so far, it has only been up 26 min since the ram was installed tho, so i guess only time will tell. Its half the memory again tho, so it should be more then enough.

I feel ok today, a bit down but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Im back to not having to think about someone else’s feelings etc. I know that sounds horribly selfish, but truth be told – im not very good at thinking for other people, i find it hard enough conentrating on my own life, never mind other peoples. So i guess that makes me pretty incompatible with the whole dating game. Nic was differnet cos she became part of my life (which i didnt want) instead of living hers along side mine.

Im gonna go home tongiht, and i recon im ACTUALLY going to finish these websites off. Its about time! I know!

I was in a very raw mood earlyer, the worst monday on record. So many things running through my mind. Literally the only typing i did was on here, maxxd, SSDB, ebay and in notepad writing rhymes. I did no work. I was very stressed n depressed. Its down to me being a pretty paranoid person in general, various aspects of my life, including the relationship i was in.

Yep thats right, me and H have decided to call it a day. It wasnt a very full on relationship anyway, that was never the intention, but i kind of fell for her in a big way, and i kinda starting going down the path of me wanting more from the relationship. Now it would be totally unfair of me to ask her to take things any further, its not fair. Because at the end of the day 2/3 years down the line when i want to fuck off round the world and leave everyone, it would be so difficult to leave. Especially if the relationship had moved on leaps and bounds.

And (like last time) we had just started to become good friends again. Shes one of the nicest most loving and most interesting people i have ever met in my life. And i will definatly keep in touch with her. I have fond memories from now, and the first time we tried. And im glad we gave it another go.

Time to move on? I really dont no what to do to be honest. I dont want to be in another situation like this. I think ill just bury my head for a bit and get some of the millions of outstanding things done and out the way.

Peace out.

I have been thinking a LOT about when i go travelling. And thanks to a Richard and Judy (i think it was them) i have decided on the first place i want to go.

http://www.cwaf.org/

I have got to go be a Chimp Dad for a bit! I cant think of a better way of spending a year of my life, than helping orphaned monkeys! You have to act like a monkey in the sence you have to let them cling to you at all times. You basically spend your days working in the park, with your monkey on your back.

Yes folks, for the first time in a very long time, i remember some of the dream i had whilst alsleep last night. It wasnt like some people – in the sence i cant remember it flowing like a film or a tv programe, i just remember bits and bobs, and at one point i snoozed my alarm, lay back down and carried on from where i left off!

I think it was because i wasnt very stoned when i went to bed. I was just tired and depressed. I think i might try and have a few days off the weed, cos im not exactly very happy at the mo, and it only makes me worse. I have an issue im my life, and i think its me being totally paranoid, but im not ruling anything out. Im not going into detail cos this is something i do mind people knowing. Like i said its probably just me being majorly paranoid and if i did say something about it id probably make myself look stupid.

I recon im stuck in limbo again. Ive turned boring again. My life doesnt change, or get exciting any more. Whats happening to me? I think it might be the weather and the fact the end of the year is drawing closer. I know that the end of this year brings a lot of cool things, i.e. i leave work. But the end of the year also means xmas time, and all that jazz.. Now xmas is cool n everything – no one is gonna knock a week off, i just dont enjoy the season. Everyones celebrating an occasion that they dont belive in. Xmas is all about santa, presents, and spending insane amounts of money – where it should be a religious festival for people who belive in that shit. We shouldnt give presents, and buy the love of our friends and family, we should give to the needy or something. That would make me a lot happier than receiveing a load of crap that i dont fucking want.. Im not religious at all, and i wouldnt be bothered if they got rid of the holiday all together. Hey, that way i mgiht actually get a birthday where i dont get presents wrapped in xmas paper!

I best try and find some work to do now then. I have no white material, so i cant really do anything at all. Ive drank two cups of hot chocolate and its not even 10oclock yet! Its gonna be a long, shit (cold) day!