I really didn’t think i would be able to get close to another girl for a long time. I didn’t think i could risk putting myself through that kink of heartache again. But i guess i was proven wrong. I got so used to being with my ex, it was as if i had just accepted it, and putting up with her and her shit for the sake of it. But i look back now and i can see how wrong for me she was. I think the problem i had was that she was my first PROPER girlfriend, ever. I was a big mother fucker when i was 16-18. I peaked at 20 stone, and have been relatively big all my life. This meant i had (and still have) no self confidence, and even when i lost a load of weight, in my head I was still that 20 stone fat dude that id always seen myself as.
Even now, after everything ive done and everything ive been through, i still think im that 20 stone guy. I never talk about my weight, or complain that im too heavy, i just think it – and it does drive me crazy. I need to motivate myself and turn what fat i do have, into muscle. Plus i really need to improve my heath, as its slowly getting fucked up. Teddy is training for a marathon. Id love to do one, especially one for charity with my mum or something. Running is a great way to get in shape, as you exercise a multitude of muscles, and it gets the blood pumping round your system. I can just never motivate myself to go out and run!
I guess that compared to some people im not fat, and probably healthier that a lot of people, i just dont feel healthy enough for me. Ill buy some running trainers (ha, any excuse!) and i will really try and get motivated. there is a massive patch of land next to my new house, so i think ill run around that.
Obviously with once being a 20 stone guy, and still thinking that im that 20 stone guy – comes paranoia. And its worse when im around females. I have been seeing a girl who dos seem to like me, and boy is the feeling mutual! I just get so paranoid that she’ll lose interest and go find some pumped up fake tanned ‘roid muncher who looks like he should be on the cover of “Total Fitness” magazine. I may want to be fit, and healthy, but i certainly don’t want to be a “nice boy” with my sun bed advanced member card and david beckham haircut. I cant stand people like that. A tan is fine, but when people look orange because of the amount of shit they slap on their skin, and the amount of time they spend in UV rooms – it just looks stupid. I overreact a lot, and im probably overreacting now – but you cant help the things that float about in your mind, can you?
