Category: My Past

Its one thing to break up with someone, but its a totally different thing to break up with someone because you think later in life you would not be happy at all. I felt that’s what would of happened, that me and nic would of carried on regardless – just because we had feelings for each other. When that’s not what life is about at all. Life is about taking chances, and living it to its full potential.

I am gonna start planning my trip soon, maybe tonight? I am gonna make a lil website, and document everything from start to finish. If i ever come back! The way i look at it, is there is 659, 457,1892 (approx) people in this world, and i want to meet a load of them, i want to sample the different cultures there are in the world, i want to live like the natives and see for myself how beautiful this planet is we live on.

I guess it will also take my mind of the fact i feel very lonely at the moment, and i simply cannot get the guilt out of my mind. It would of been easier to of slept with someone else, or called her mum a fucking slut to her face, than to of ended it on good terms. Its so hard knowing she is hurting, and its my fault.

I checked my email this afternoon, and i saw something rather strange…
I thought, hmm, i dont like that.. so..

Haha, the account wont be verified, as the email address obviously doesnt exist.. i wonder who it is??

I just deleted a folder full of pictures of me and nic. It was a private one if you know what i mean. It broke my heart when it said “Item Successfully Deleted.” – Why cant webpages show a bit of compassion!

NOTE: This was copied from an old Internet Archive post, so the images are missing, I have no idea what I was on about!

This is my 6th day without her. I cried myself to sleep last night, i don’t no why, i think that the idea i was alone, and unheard made me very sad. I know i chose to be without her, and in the future i will see that is was defiantly the right thing to do. But that doesn’t stop it hurting like a deep cut to the heart.

We have spoken a few times since, and the situation is very real now. As before it seemed like it wasn’t really happening. She has packed all her stuff, and it picking it up today. The bedroom feels so empty without her, so does my wardrobe, cupboard, draw’s, and finally, my life! When i was with her i had purpose, i had a reason to be alive. Now I’m just another one of those single people, plodding along by themselves.

Anyway, i have to start thinking of my future now. And i have made a few decisions. I am going to travel round the world by myself before or when I’m 25. I need to absorb the cultures that are all around me. How can i settle down with 1 girl when there are roughly 325 million women in the world? How can i be sure that when i go traveling, i don’t bump into the most ideal, perfect, and beautiful woman in the world? Ok, i might not, but i cant take that chance.

Soon i am gonna start planning my trip. I know its not for another few years, but i want to make sure i have every detail uncovered, so that i am fully prepared for whatever it is or whoever i meet when I’m by myself thousands of miles from anyone who knows me.

Its quite a scary thought, but its something i want more than anything.

Letting go of someone you love is always hard. And although i have ended this relationship myself, its still really upsetting me. The last thing i ever wanted to do was hurt nic, she is the only girl I’ve ever properly loved, and she is the only long term girlfriend i have ever had. But that doesn’t mean its meant to be forever.

Love is how you feel about someone. And i certainly loved her at one point. But as time drew on, i was having to reassure myself all the time, i was always thinking of ways out, and i was always to scared to admit that i just wasn’t happy. I think more than anything i wanted her to be happy. And i got the impression that unless she was with me, she wouldn’t be. But i cant live like that. – She even had the cheek to say “you only think of yourself, you don’t care how i feel” last night. That couldn’t be MORE wrong! I have done this so that she can find someone to be 100% happy with, have nice house, kids and the things she really wants rather than the things she says she wants.

Sometime in the future, I’m either gonna be glad i did it, or I’m gonna regret it till the day that i die. But i have to find out.

I guess i haven’t really been fair on her, i do bottle things up, but its hard to talk to someone like nic about “why you think you might not want to be with her” – as she would of flipped out and made things 10 times worse. I don’t feel as bad as i did the last time we split, and i think after a few days, ill be a-ok again.

I’m going on my first proper UE trip tonight. Me and G, rick and a guy called absolut of the UE forum i go on are venturing out. Pics up tomorrow!