I actually wrote this three years later than the date suggests – I have done this on purpose so that this is documented but not initially found or maybe never found. Its here though.
So I have just come out of a 3 year relationship with a wonderful girl. I won’t mention her real name cos ya know, search engines n stuff.
We met on Bumble and she stood out as we had actually briefly interacted about ten years prior to that. We met, we got on, one thing lead to another and before you know it we were in each others lives.
During that first year of us knowing each other, I was a bit dishonest about the fact I was still speaking to and going on a few dates with other people after we had said we werent going to do that. I shouldnt have lied, and whereas in the big picture this is insignificant it was little things like this over the 3 years we were together that kind of eroded all the trust.
Anyway, we sorted that initial thing out and then carried on. We had lots of lovely memories, did loads of cool stuff, and things were mostly good. During this period the only mistakes I made really were keeping bits of info from her as when I learned the info the timing wouldn’t have been right (time of month etc) and by the time I would get round to saying something it would appear like id known ages and just been keeping it from her for no reason. It was very hard to know how to manage myself in this relationship at times.
Then we tried to have a baby. It felt right at the time, but I soon got cold feet as I panicked thinking I would have to look after this baby all the time on my own as she needed so much staring at the wall time etc. I can’t apologise for how i felt at the time, but I am sorry if how this came out in the moment upset her.
Then to be honest, things were great for a while aside from monthly hormonal issues – it would really mess her up each month and make all the little things I mentioned accumulate into this huge thing and WW3 would erupt for literally no reason.
My circumstances changed quite a bit, and this made planning for the future tough and my focus was shifted as it involved my children. She wasnt able to see past this and wasnt happy with me just wanting to exist for a bit and stop constantly trying to plan things and think of the next thing and the next thing. I wanted to just be in the moment, and pause, and live life here and now. Not in 3-5 years time.
So, I am 42 years old and I am on my own again.
I have my dogs, my kids my mum and my friends. Oh, and my land rover.
It could be worse.
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